ᴢᴏʏᴀ ɴᴀᴢʏᴀʟᴇɴꜱᴋʏ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
commandership) wrote2021-09-12 03:54 pm
commandership) wrote2021-09-12 03:54 pm
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« gruzeburya »
TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION
ZOYA NAZYALENSKY ✦ GRISHAVERSEINFO ✧ PERMISSIONS ✧ KINKLIST ✧ EXTRA
« gruzeburya »
TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION
ZOYA NAZYALENSKY ✦ GRISHAVERSEINFO ✧ PERMISSIONS ✧ KINKLIST ✧ EXTRA
Am I meant to be a mindreader, now?
I've no idea what Nikolai shared with you. He is my king, not my companion for tea time gossip.
And you are no innocent in this, either, with all the secrets you keep in the dark.
If you're looking for a fight, I would suggest you find one you stand a single chance of winning.
I've no idea what Nikolai shared with you. He is my king, not my companion for tea time gossip.
And you are no innocent in this, either, with all the secrets you keep in the dark.
If you're looking for a fight, I would suggest you find one you stand a single chance of winning.
I am whatever Ravka and Nikolai need me to be.
A lesson you should know well, yourself.
A lesson you should know well, yourself.
Edited 2021-12-14 23:02 (UTC)
[ impossible. zoya's heartbeat stutters, paralyzed with strange dread, before she shakes the frost from it. ]
Take your tantrum elsewhere. I'm done humoring it.
Take your tantrum elsewhere. I'm done humoring it.
Edited (MY DUMB TYPOS) 2021-12-14 23:14 (UTC)
Tell that to the collar around your neck.
He certainly cared to leave your fate in your hands when it leashed you, didn't he.
You want to be a fool? Then be a fool.
I won't stand here and be your target for a crime I haven't committed, or a practice dummy for your own pain.
He certainly cared to leave your fate in your hands when it leashed you, didn't he.
You want to be a fool? Then be a fool.
I won't stand here and be your target for a crime I haven't committed, or a practice dummy for your own pain.
Apparently you don't, since you so easily forget what he's done to you. What he has done to all of us.
But your childish pride must mean more to you than the monster that lives on in Nikolai, or the scars carved into every part of Genya. Go ahead, then. Betray us all. I won't be the one to stop you from your little rebellion.
When did you consider me a friend, Alina?
Was it when you ran to Aleksander, and then never had the respect to admit it to my face?
Or was it when you then had the nerve to turn around and accuse me of some unknown betrayal I've taken no part in?
Based on rumors and gossip, no less.
The only traitor here is you.
It must be easy to believe everyone around you is a liar when you, yourself, are the greatest liar of them all.
But your childish pride must mean more to you than the monster that lives on in Nikolai, or the scars carved into every part of Genya. Go ahead, then. Betray us all. I won't be the one to stop you from your little rebellion.
When did you consider me a friend, Alina?
Was it when you ran to Aleksander, and then never had the respect to admit it to my face?
Or was it when you then had the nerve to turn around and accuse me of some unknown betrayal I've taken no part in?
Based on rumors and gossip, no less.
The only traitor here is you.
It must be easy to believe everyone around you is a liar when you, yourself, are the greatest liar of them all.
Oh you're so pious, Sankta Zoya.
Like you didn't fantasize about feeding me to volcra when I first arrived.
Like you didn't roll over and show him your belly because before you were whatever Nikolai needed you were whatever Aleksander needed.
Like you were never blind to him because he made you felt wanted. Necessary.
And you have never looked backwards?
Never faltered, never made mistakes?
Well then good for you Zoya. How smart and wise and wonderful you are. How generous that you take that burden and give Nikolai the freedom of the seas.
And the worst part is I still think you'd be a great queen. Even when I thought the Darkling was lying it still made me hopeful because it was you.
And I thought I wouldn't be alive to see it. Nikolai told me the fold was destroyed but he didn't tell me of my fate specifically.
I thought it would cost me my life. That that was the fate you were shepherding me back to so eagerly.
Instead I just get to die an otkazat'sya.
Half of who I was.
Like you didn't fantasize about feeding me to volcra when I first arrived.
Like you didn't roll over and show him your belly because before you were whatever Nikolai needed you were whatever Aleksander needed.
Like you were never blind to him because he made you felt wanted. Necessary.
And you have never looked backwards?
Never faltered, never made mistakes?
Well then good for you Zoya. How smart and wise and wonderful you are. How generous that you take that burden and give Nikolai the freedom of the seas.
And the worst part is I still think you'd be a great queen. Even when I thought the Darkling was lying it still made me hopeful because it was you.
And I thought I wouldn't be alive to see it. Nikolai told me the fold was destroyed but he didn't tell me of my fate specifically.
I thought it would cost me my life. That that was the fate you were shepherding me back to so eagerly.
Instead I just get to die an otkazat'sya.
Half of who I was.
Edited 2021-12-15 00:01 (UTC)
The difference is I have learned from my mistakes. You are so eager to run toward them and commit them again.
For a woman who claims she is no saint, you certainly love to play the part of the martyr.
Did no one tell you that you have to be selfless to be a martyr?
Because all I hear is the lamenting of a selfish child, with no regard for anyone or anything other than her own pain.
Your petty jealousy is disgusting. Over an event that has not happened for me, no less. That will never happen.
At least you are still so painfully transparent.
Nikolai's truest love has been and always will be Ravka. What you are saying is an impossibility.
What friends you must have thought we were, Starkov, for you to naturally assume I was ushering you toward death.
Did you ever stop to ask Nikolai what the truth was? Did you ever stop to ask me?
Would you have believed me, if I told you that your power was lost?
That your tracker was the one you were meant to marry?
Don't fool us both by saying yes. We know that would be a lie, too.
You didn't ask because you didn't care to hear the truth. You wanted the life you lead now to be the truth.
It is not my fault you both decided to live in your fantasies rather than address your reality.
You want the truth, then here it is: you wanted to live in that lie, Alina. And now you must deal with the consequences.
You and Nikolai brought this mess on yourselves.
Not me. Not Aleksander, much as I loathe giving him any credit at all.
What do you hope to accomplish here? Blaming me for both yours and Nikolai's sins?
Rallying against me out of spite because you long for the future you claim I have?
Leave me out of it. My future, whatever it may be, is no longer your concern.
For a woman who claims she is no saint, you certainly love to play the part of the martyr.
Did no one tell you that you have to be selfless to be a martyr?
Because all I hear is the lamenting of a selfish child, with no regard for anyone or anything other than her own pain.
Your petty jealousy is disgusting. Over an event that has not happened for me, no less. That will never happen.
At least you are still so painfully transparent.
Nikolai's truest love has been and always will be Ravka. What you are saying is an impossibility.
What friends you must have thought we were, Starkov, for you to naturally assume I was ushering you toward death.
Did you ever stop to ask Nikolai what the truth was? Did you ever stop to ask me?
Would you have believed me, if I told you that your power was lost?
That your tracker was the one you were meant to marry?
Don't fool us both by saying yes. We know that would be a lie, too.
You didn't ask because you didn't care to hear the truth. You wanted the life you lead now to be the truth.
It is not my fault you both decided to live in your fantasies rather than address your reality.
You want the truth, then here it is: you wanted to live in that lie, Alina. And now you must deal with the consequences.
You and Nikolai brought this mess on yourselves.
Not me. Not Aleksander, much as I loathe giving him any credit at all.
What do you hope to accomplish here? Blaming me for both yours and Nikolai's sins?
Rallying against me out of spite because you long for the future you claim I have?
Leave me out of it. My future, whatever it may be, is no longer your concern.
Edited 2021-12-15 00:17 (UTC)
Let me ask you this first.
Do you think you would be queen if you hadn't given up your power?
Is that why you're so resentful, Starkov?
I wouldn't bother with that line of thought.
Aleksander might have seen a use for you as his pet, but Mal and Nikolai both saw the value in choosing me over you.
Do you think you would be queen if you hadn't given up your power?
Is that why you're so resentful, Starkov?
I wouldn't bother with that line of thought.
Aleksander might have seen a use for you as his pet, but Mal and Nikolai both saw the value in choosing me over you.
[ ah, well. could be a worse response, she supposes. ]
That is it.
He seems intent on sowing seeds of doubt among all of us.
[ loud mouth little brat that he is. ]
I trust it isn't effective on you.
Kaz and I have no interest in interfering with whatever game he is playing.
But Nikolai is a fool, and I know nothing about what the Darkling intends to do with Alina.
[ no offense re: nikolaiexcept all the offense. ]
That is it.
He seems intent on sowing seeds of doubt among all of us.
[ loud mouth little brat that he is. ]
I trust it isn't effective on you.
Kaz and I have no interest in interfering with whatever game he is playing.
But Nikolai is a fool, and I know nothing about what the Darkling intends to do with Alina.
[ no offense re: nikolai
You know what?
I am a fool.
Have them both, I don't care. Have them all.
No one sees all of me and wants all of me. Not Mal, not Nikolai, not Aleksander.
And if they think they do, it's not really me. It's the story they told themselves about who I am.
You know who I thought might?
You.
I am not jealous of your crown.
I'm jealous that you are free.
I am a fool.
Have them both, I don't care. Have them all.
No one sees all of me and wants all of me. Not Mal, not Nikolai, not Aleksander.
And if they think they do, it's not really me. It's the story they told themselves about who I am.
You know who I thought might?
You.
I am not jealous of your crown.
I'm jealous that you are free.
And your solution to that was to come to me and call me a traitor. A fraud. A liar. A pet. A whore.
You don't want to be part of someone else's story, but you have neatly placed me in the role of your enemy all on your own. Those are the parts of me you wish to see.
Continue your insults, if that's what makes you feel better about your own fate. It's nothing I have not heard a hundred times before.
But don't expect me to lay down and take it.
[ it hardly matters, zoya tells herself. it has never mattered until she has wanted those titles to matter — insults, twisted to her advantage. if the little palace would believe her to be a prized whore, she would play the doe-eyed whore. if they believed her to be their enemy, she would revel in their fear.
i thought you were my friend, she hears alina's voice chime. so had zoya, until now, but lamenting it changes nothing. ]
You don't want to be part of someone else's story, but you have neatly placed me in the role of your enemy all on your own. Those are the parts of me you wish to see.
Continue your insults, if that's what makes you feel better about your own fate. It's nothing I have not heard a hundred times before.
But don't expect me to lay down and take it.
[ it hardly matters, zoya tells herself. it has never mattered until she has wanted those titles to matter — insults, twisted to her advantage. if the little palace would believe her to be a prized whore, she would play the doe-eyed whore. if they believed her to be their enemy, she would revel in their fear.
i thought you were my friend, she hears alina's voice chime. so had zoya, until now, but lamenting it changes nothing. ]
No. I tired of his games some time ago.
I doubt he has interest in toying with Nikolai, beyond his focus on Starkov.
[ how do you admit sankta alina is easily manipulated and the target of aleksander's obsession without directly gossiping about a friend's secrets? ]
I doubt he has interest in toying with Nikolai, beyond his focus on Starkov.
[ how do you admit sankta alina is easily manipulated and the target of aleksander's obsession without directly gossiping about a friend's secrets? ]
[ she doesn't know a lot about zoya, aside from . . . well, what nina has shared. and what she observed, in ketterdam. and, of course, the stories. but it does strike her a little odd, a ravkan woman referring to sankta alina by her last name.
but, then, she supposes grisha have different relationships with one another, particularly if they were trained within the little palace. or, zoya knows something that inej does not. or, . . . well, a thousand ors, none of which inej is going to ask for confirmation on.
still. it's just . . . odd. ]
But he finds time to toy with me.
[ it is no coincidence, mentioning sankta zoya, to inej. ]
but, then, she supposes grisha have different relationships with one another, particularly if they were trained within the little palace. or, zoya knows something that inej does not. or, . . . well, a thousand ors, none of which inej is going to ask for confirmation on.
still. it's just . . . odd. ]
But he finds time to toy with me.
[ it is no coincidence, mentioning sankta zoya, to inej. ]
Is he aware of your association with Alina?
Knives aside.
[ it isn't intended to resemble an interrogation, despite zoya's brusqueness — only a working theory. the darkling would sow seeds of discord, she knows, simply to isolate alina for his own use — if not to feed his own arrogance, dangling secrets like obvious lures. a means to remain powerful, when he has lost all importance to ravka. ]
Knives aside.
[ it isn't intended to resemble an interrogation, despite zoya's brusqueness — only a working theory. the darkling would sow seeds of discord, she knows, simply to isolate alina for his own use — if not to feed his own arrogance, dangling secrets like obvious lures. a means to remain powerful, when he has lost all importance to ravka. ]
Edited 2021-12-15 00:59 (UTC)
[ if inej takes offense, she doesn't seem to show it. it's a good question. ]
I don't know whether Alina speaks of me to him, if she speaks to him at all.
But I do spend time with her.
I also make no secret of my beliefs, and I am Suli.
[ and therefore, from ravka, though not ravkan. so -- maybe? it's entirely possible. it wouldn't take a genius to make the connection between "devout suli girl knows sankta alina is here and needs to meet her," and the darkling is hardly stupid. ]
I don't know whether Alina speaks of me to him, if she speaks to him at all.
But I do spend time with her.
I also make no secret of my beliefs, and I am Suli.
[ and therefore, from ravka, though not ravkan. so -- maybe? it's entirely possible. it wouldn't take a genius to make the connection between "devout suli girl knows sankta alina is here and needs to meet her," and the darkling is hardly stupid. ]
If you're feeling left out, I can flatter you instead.
I've missed your delightfully acerbic tongue.
[And quite possibly the rest of her, but he's already pushing it.]
I've missed your delightfully acerbic tongue.
[And quite possibly the rest of her, but he's already pushing it.]
[ truthfully, she debates deleting the message entirely. ignoring the mess she doesn't want to clean.
that's what you do best, she imagines genya might say, if she were here to cluck and roll her eyes — henpecking, nurturing beyond what zoya has ever been capable of giving. she would be right, in this case; despite how many political knots she has untangled, no matter how many nights she has leashed nikolai's monster, it's far easier for zoya to seal the doors, frost the windows, and freeze alina out in the cold.
a personal matter that needs no attention from her. she deals with a king's quarries, not the stupidity of the selfish man beneath the crown.
unfortunately, the sun has its own means of peeking through the windows, even on the most frigid days. zoya ignores it for a handful of hours, before her message comes — not a testament of her own willpower, she would claim, but knowing alina's persistence may rival her own.
it's better to deal with it now, before it festers. biting the bullet, so to speak. ]
And what is your excuse for not asking after Nikolai made his truths known to you?
[ between the lines of what she does not say, but what she is certain alina can gather: you'll have to do better than that. ]
that's what you do best, she imagines genya might say, if she were here to cluck and roll her eyes — henpecking, nurturing beyond what zoya has ever been capable of giving. she would be right, in this case; despite how many political knots she has untangled, no matter how many nights she has leashed nikolai's monster, it's far easier for zoya to seal the doors, frost the windows, and freeze alina out in the cold.
a personal matter that needs no attention from her. she deals with a king's quarries, not the stupidity of the selfish man beneath the crown.
unfortunately, the sun has its own means of peeking through the windows, even on the most frigid days. zoya ignores it for a handful of hours, before her message comes — not a testament of her own willpower, she would claim, but knowing alina's persistence may rival her own.
it's better to deal with it now, before it festers. biting the bullet, so to speak. ]
And what is your excuse for not asking after Nikolai made his truths known to you?
[ between the lines of what she does not say, but what she is certain alina can gather: you'll have to do better than that. ]
Edited (oops) 2021-12-18 03:33 (UTC)
It's not exactly easy dinner conversation.
[ Her weak attempt to avoid Zoya's striking criticism, although she knows it won't satisfy her. If anything, she thinks the excuses make it worse. Alina squirms, as if she's sat on a tack, grimacing like she's about to face Ana Kuya's switch. ]
He told me I found the third amplifier and I destroyed the fold.
Honestly, I was surprised to hear I lived past his birthday knowing what I planned to do.
And how many happy endings have you read in the Lives of Saints, recently?
[ Her weak attempt to avoid Zoya's striking criticism, although she knows it won't satisfy her. If anything, she thinks the excuses make it worse. Alina squirms, as if she's sat on a tack, grimacing like she's about to face Ana Kuya's switch. ]
He told me I found the third amplifier and I destroyed the fold.
Honestly, I was surprised to hear I lived past his birthday knowing what I planned to do.
And how many happy endings have you read in the Lives of Saints, recently?
[ zoya will receive a simply-wrapped package full with little orange cakes wrapped in white paper, sprinkled with sugar. along with these cakes is a folded note, written in suli. followed by the same exact note, written in ravkan: ]
We could not afford much, but my mother found coin to buy sugar every time we stopped in a city.
She always told me that eating one would bring good luck for the next leg of our journey.
Just in case that is true -- here is the recipe.
- Inej.
[ for sankta zoya, for inspiring hope in her that ravka can change for the first time in . . . since inej can form the thoughts to remember. ]
We could not afford much, but my mother found coin to buy sugar every time we stopped in a city.
She always told me that eating one would bring good luck for the next leg of our journey.
Just in case that is true -- here is the recipe.
- Inej.
[ for sankta zoya, for inspiring hope in her that ravka can change for the first time in . . . since inej can form the thoughts to remember. ]
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